Thursday, October 27, 2011

#DillsDayInCourt Part 1 (AS SEEN ON TWITTER)

The Following is the exact twitter transcript of my day in civil court on 10/27/11 - 

The following are true events. Only names, places, dates, times and facts have been changed for legal purposes.

9:00AM - Off to court for a rent dispute. Instead of preparing properly just gonna play Jay-Z's guilty until proven innocent on loop.

9:30 -Worst part about court is not being allowed to tweet cause phones are supposed to be off. Oh. They saw me. Think I'm going to jail now.

10:07 - phone is confiscated. Excuse of "Why have free wi-fi if I can't use it?" does not suffice. Note taking begins. I look smarter.

10:11 - Grown man with ponytail walks into courtroom. I want to make fun of him on twitter. This is not possible at the time.

10:13 -  informs me I'm not allowed to "Approach the bench, object, or yell 'THIS WHOLE COURTROOM IS OUT OF ORDER'."

10:15 - I learn judge will be female. I unbutton the top 3 buttons on my shirt.

10:17 - I see said judge. Swiftly rebutton shirt.

10:18 - Bored. Decide to nap. can handle this.

10:19 - I am awoken. Rudely. Decide court looks way more fun on Harvey Birdman.

10:26 - Despite crowded courtroom, I see no 1 I would have sex with. Maybe some cuddling. Maybe.

10:30 - To pass time I ask if any1 has played Arkham City. I learn I'm not supposed to be talking. No word on Arkham City.

10:33 - Guy next to me's phone goes off. I snitch. Immediately. Gotta get on judge's good side.

10:38 - I pass a note around to see if anyone wants to cuddle afterwards.

10:43 - One taker. Whatever happens the day will not be a complete loss.

10:48 - Spot TV hanging in corner of courtroom. Ask if we can put Sportscenter on so I could see the Top 10.

10:52 - I miss the Top 10.

10:57 - Begin to play Tic Tac Toe with . He wins 3 times. Fuck tic tac toe.

11:01 - Wish I had a star witness to call. Maybe Batman...

11:03 - Court clerks' show of authority while enforcing "no food or drinks" begins to turn me on. Doubt she is a good cuddler.
11:07 - There is a spider on the wall. This will undoubtedly keep my attention for the rest of the day.

11:07 - I wonder what's happening on twitter. Bet that rascal Joe Budden is up to something crazy.

11:07 - Attempt 1 to start the wave was unsuccessful. Court sucks.

11:09 - Contemplates how weird it would be if sign over judge actually read "In God We Thrust"

11:15 - Reminds self to ask judge "if anything said in the court of law can be used against me in the court of law" She will laugh.

11:17 - Woman enters court w/ baby. I am jealous. I should've brought a baby. Would have got me sympathy.

11:18 - Baby begins crying. I am no longer jealous.

11:25 - MIDGETS!!!! Nuff said

11:30 We are called. People's Court theme doesn't play. I object.

11:31 - Suddenly wish I had my Lawyer. Or my Mommy. Or my Lawyer's Mommy.

11:32 - Settlement is offered. I want to issue a challenge for a winner takes all cage match.

11:33 - Distracted by the fact my fly has been down all day & undoubtedly miss important information.

11:35 - Judge threatens to hold baby in contempt. I applaud.

11:40-1:00PM Boring Lawyery courty deliberatey stuff.

2:00PM - Get home eat sammich. The End. Dill's Day in Court Part 2 coming in December. Oh yeah they gave me my phone back too.


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