Monday, November 16, 2009

So you say your Roommate caught you trying to murder him in his sleep

It's the morning after, things are awkward, you may or may not have been hovering above your roommate's bed with a steak knife. You were?
Ok, we can work around that. We don't care why you did it, or if he deserved it, all that matters now is you didn't succeed and now we gotta deal with it. So what do you do?

- Deny. Don't panic, it was dark he was groggy. There's no way he could be sure it was you, or that it even happened for that matter. Tell him he was dreaming. And laugh with him about that part where you "proclaimed", "this is for all the times you never asked if I wanted anything before you ordered Dominoes!" If he asks how you'd know about that if it was really a dream, distract him with a Victorias Secret catalouge.

- Act Normal. So what if he suspects something? What's he going to do? Call the cops?
Yes. Yes he could easily call the cops. But why would he call the cops on his awesome roommate. Just do all the stuff you usually do. Like his laundry and dishes. Buy him tickets to see his favorite band, maybe a hooker. You know all the stuff you would do anyway regardless of the fact that he caught you trying to smother him as he rested. Again.

- Talk it Out. Sigh, so it seems he's upset about your attempted murder, well your upset too. So lay it all out on the table, not the table you were going to use to chop his body up, we may need that later. But listen about his concerns for his life and let him know why you want his severed head in a jar. About how his grooming habits sicken you, how he NEVER tells you when he knocks your toothbrush in the toilet and how he SUCKS at pictionary and... on second thought talking about it seems to be making you angrier. Let's skip that.

- Beg for Mercy. You don't want to go to jail, you don't want to lay awake at night worrying about retalliation and you don't want to ever own a Fergie-Era Black Eyed Peas album. Trust me.

So ask for forgiveness. People make mistakes and admit you did.

- Finish the Job. The only mistake you made was wearing your Godzilla slippers that make the Godzilla roar. Do it. While he still trusts you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, November 4, 2009